"Parenting" Book Club - Chapter 5 & 6

Sorry to miss last week's post, but I am managing to at least keep up with the reading, and I hope you are, too. In fact, I'm finding it difficult to hold myself to just one chapter a week - I'd like to gobble it all up and be on my enlightened way, but I chose this leisurely chapter-per-week pace recognizing that some moms are still in their "my kids take up all my time" phase (which Chapter 6 addresses, btw) and thus may be lucky just to find a few moments to read one chapter. I also think it's helpful to read a little bit and chew on it for a little while before moving on, and this schedule allows for that - for me, an exercise in self-restraint and resisting instant gratification.

I'm happy to report I'm kind of winging this post because my husband took my copy of the book. I'd been encouraging (ok, nagging) him to read this book with me, as the author suggests, and though he appeared willing, even eager, 4 chapters had gone by and he had not yet cracked it open. Then last Monday morning (at 6 am!) as he was preparing to leave for Philadelphia for the week, I saw that he had the book with his stuff. My first impulse was to grab it and say, "You can't take this. I need it. You can only read it when I'm not using it." or something equally juvenile. But I stopped myself, and thought, "Don't say a word. Let him have it. I can still read it on the weekends. I can probably think of something meaningful to post on the blog without holding the book in my hand." Though the last part may not prove to be true, by grace I kept my mouth shut! A week later he hasn't exactly caught up, but I read my chapter on the beach on Saturday and sent the book along with him again this week.

So anyway, Chapter 5 addresses the Biblical principle of "Marriage first, Children second," not just chronologically, but priority-wise, too. This was a great segue from the previous chapter which ended with a description of the skewed roles of modern-day fathers and mothers, and this entire chapter once again had me drawn in, nodding my head in agreement, recognizing my own situation, and pleading, "Yes, but what do I do now?" I've already taken a couple baby steps in response. First, as soon as I finished the chapter I suggested (insisted) that Dan and I go out to dinner that very night. Not a huge deal, but I figure that grabbing a little time here and there, whenever we can will be one way we can invest in our marriage and start to give our relationship the attention it deserves. Indeed just that short time together enabled him to share with me about his week at work (which in this case had involved quitting one job and starting up a new company - not your typical work week!). Second, I have vowed never to let my kids sleep in my room again. Period. 'Nuff said.

On to Chapter 6. Wow - another good one that made so much sense. The issue of shaping character by disciplining our children's thoughts brought two things to mind for me. First I was reminded of a book I read last year called The Danger of Raising Nice Kids by Tim Smith . This book did a great job of spelling out the problem, though I found its proposed solution to be somewhat overwhelming. (A glance at Smith's website, Parent's Coach, however, makes me want return for a more in-depth visit.)

Second, I was reminded of the scripture where Jesus berates the Pharisees for their legalism and hypocrisy with respect to ceremonial cleanliness. The Pharisees, looking to be intentionally critical, questioned Jesus as to why his disciples were eating without first washing their hands. Please understand they were not concerned about hygiene in this case, they were concerned about ritual and tradition to which they pridefully adhered. Jesus gave these haughty Jewish leaders what for and told the crowd,

"Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean.' " Mark 7:15 (NIV)

Soon after, when his confused disciples asked him for clarification, Jesus explained,

"For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' " Mark 7:21-23 (NIV) (emphasis added)

With respect to our kids, and as Rosemond stresses in Chapter 6 and Smith puts forth in his above-mentioned book, teaching them right behavior is meaningless if we're not instilling right thinking in their hearts and minds. In fact, it ultimately results in producing shallow people-pleasers or manipulators or both. And as Proverbs 29:25 tells us, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare". I was encouraged by Rosemond's reminder that as parents our own behavior and appropriate, well-timed explanations of it does more to shape our children than our reactionary lectures do. This is something I need to keep in mind - my example, based upon my own relationship with the Lord, is much more powerful than intentional instruction which is rooted in apprehension or motivated by worry. As Dr. James Dobson is fond of saying, most of what children learn is caught, not taught.

I was intrigued by Rosemond's example of dealing with contrariness and his methods for correcting what we've been led by PPP to believe is delightful individuality and desirable free-thinking, but what he argues is undesirable and dangerous self-centeredness. I can think of a couple times when my kids were little that Mr. Rosemond would have advised disciplinary measures where I in fact responded with delight and encouragement. While I realize my children were not damaged beyond repair in these instances, I do wonder how things might have been different had I assumed a more adult role, rather than acting as an accessory and reinforcing their immaturity and "I can think whatever I want" mindset.

I laughingly told my 12 year old daughter that I owe her a spanking for that time when she was about 3 when I asked her what she wanted for lunch. Her exasperating response, which I have delightfully recounted on many an occasion throughout the years, was as follows: "Peanut butter and jelly. When I say I want peanut butter and jelly, I really mean grilled cheese." If only I knew then what I know now...