"Parenting" Book Club - Chapter 9

I almost missed it. I tore through this chapter, surprised at its brevity and somewhat disappointed that it didn't have more meat to it. After all the revelations I've been experiencing in the preceding chapters, I thought this one was kind of no brainer. I mean, come on, if you're reading this book in the first place you're probably already convinced of the Bible's authority, or at least you're already convinced that discipline is a good thing and very important.

But as I was reflecting on how to spin a decent post out of a 5 minute chapter it hit me: I'm doing exactly what John Rosemond described in the intro to Part Three. I'm looking for methods when I should be concentrating on my point of view. My disappointment with Chapter 9 stemmed from my impatience. In my head I've been saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I already know this part. Just tell me what to do." But God is slowing me down and giving me lots to think about.

In Lesson 1 of The Truth Project, Focus on the Family's 12-week teaching series on biblical worldview, participants are asked (rhetorically) "Do you really believe, that what you believe is really real?" The point is that if we really believe in the existence and authority of God and the Bible, not just in our heads but in our hearts, then our actions and lives will undeniably reflect that belief or worldview.

This came to mind as I pondered Chapter 9. I know the Bible says discipline is good, even punishment, and Rosemond provides several scripture references to back that up. But have I internalized that truth to the point where it governs my actions? Or am I still straddling the fence between God's Truth and secular postmodernism? Do I really believe that what I believe is really real? The discussion questions on page 197 help us probe this issue, especially #2 & #4, and I urge you to give them some thought and prayer.

Rosemond posits, "No method will work for long in the absence of the right point of view. On the other hand, just about any method will work for a parent with the right point of view. The one and only right point of view is the biblical one." (page 187) This pulls the lens back even farther than last week when we looked at seasons of parenting, or the week before when we learned how to be farsighted. Here we're talking about an eternal point of view which should shape and guide our day to day decisions.

But here's where it starts to get tough for me. How does this look in real life? The other day I was listening to a teaching on Proverbs, which is all about the pursuit of wisdom. We all need that, right? Well, the speaker said that knowledge is the acquisition of information, but wisdom is what we do with that knowledge. Whoa - that caught my attention. As an avid reader with a natural curiosity and thirst for info, I am constantly acquiring knowledge. But if I'm not applying it, it's not doing me much good - it could even be dangerous as the old saying goes. lol Where parenting is concerned, this book has given us plenty of knowledge about pervading psychological theories, about sound biblical principles, and in this chapter about right point of view. But how does this knowledge translate into decisions and actions? For example, just to name one issue I'm dealing with right now, how does an eternal point of view help me and my teenage son orchestrate his extracurricular schedule? (or his curricular one, for that matter?) These are questions I continue to wrestle with.

So as you can see, this chapter is anything but a toss off for me. Perhaps I'm off on a wild tangent, but then again, Rosemond is speaking the very Word of God, which is never a toss off. On the contrary, it's living and active and pertinent to our 21st century lives.

"Parenting" Book Club - Chapter 8

Couldn't resist this classic. Do you think all those girls are screaming because the Byrds are quoting scripture? Obviously the season depicted here is past - a time when this was considered edgy popular music, a time when this was the worst in rebellious hair fashion, a time when enamored fans wore dresses and sweater sets in hopes of being noticed by the objects of their obsession.

As I read this chapter I was mentally taking note of what season I'm in with each of my children. Rosemond includes some specific questions addressing this on page 185. How are you doing? Are you on track? What steps do you need to take to move toward where you should be?

Solomon, revered through the ages for his wisdom, tells us in Proverbs 20:4, "A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing." (NIV) The NLT puts it this way: "If you are too lazy to plow in the right season, you will have no food at the harvest." Yet we're living in a culture stuck in Season 1. Today's "good mother" is virtually defined by how efficiently she shuttles her children from one enriching activity to the next. We're not "plowing in the right season." And the thing that gets me is that "The Season of Service" is the hardest one! And the longer we let it go on, the harder it gets!

Are you willing to be "counter-cultural" and sacrifice the popular notions of parenting in order to cultivate the harvest God has planned for us and our children? It requires plenty of self-confidence and even more faith to act in a way that flies in the face of all we've previously but errantly accepted as true. I believe that Rosemond is speaking Truth with a capital T in these pages. I believe him when he says that parenting should't be this complicated. Everything he says makes sense to me. I'm eager to move on, so let's forge ahead into Part III - the hands-on, how-to section! On to Chapter 9!

Proverbs Study - Lesson 5

Today I become officially one full week behind in this Bible study! Oh well, among all I'm learning from this Proverbs study and the "Parenting" book club are multiple lessons about realistic intentions and priority setting during the summer months. But I shall persevere and not give up - I do hope you'll stick with me!

I gobbled up this lesson on discernment and discretion. I do so want to be the woman described in the introduction. And I was blessed with some time the other day to complete most of the lesson with little interruption - that in itself was evidence of God's grace. (I always think summer is going to be relaxing and my time will be my own...)

The most telling part for me in this chapter were questions 5 & 6 on page 44, dealing with accepting rebuke and learning from failure. I was stumped when asked, "What is your attitude when you fail?" and I really had trouble coming up with an example. I slowly began to realize if I'm not failing, then I'm not trying hard enough! Sounds funny, doesn't it? But it's true. This goes right back to the "Hugging the Beam" video in my last post. What's more, that very same day I read Jen's comment on Lesson 3 and realized that failure is not the only area of my life where I'm employing avoidance tactics. So much to think about....

I had read four pages and pondered 23 questions before realizing that I had no idea why this lesson is called "A Ring in a Pig's Nose." Proverbs 11:22 holds the answer: "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion." (NIV)

The audio teaching which accompanies this lesson (3/22/04) is wonderful and well worth a listen. I've often prayed for discernment, but this teacher explains exactly what discernment and discretion are, and she teaches us practical ways of pursuing both, exhorting us to action even while we pray and wait on the Lord.

This entire Proverbs study from the get go has been a delightful challenge for my perfectionistic bent. First off, we started with Volume 2 without first completing Volume 1 - that in itself goes against my naturally sequential way of thinking (right, Sharon? lol) Then along come all these weekly lessons which point us toward grace and away from works, toward reliance on God and away from reliance on self. And here I am running a week behind in both my studying and blogging - something heretofore against the rules in my book. My old self would have sacrificed sanity to avoid this situation, or else given up the remainder of the project because it was not runing according to plan. How sad. Then this week I did something really rash: I went back and listened to the introductory audio segment (which was recorded 6 months before these lessons, preceding the Volume 1 we haven't done!) right smack in the middle of the Volume 2 study! Scandalous for me, I confess, but extremely valuable and instructional and inspirational despite being out of order! I'm even considering listening to all the Volume 1 teachings (perhaps out of sequence just for sport) without using the workbook! Oh yes, God is doing amazing things in my life!

Blessings and discernment to you!
Eleanor
Romans 12:2

"Parenting" Book Club - Chapter 7

The concept of farsighted parenting, addressed by Rosemond in Chapter 7, was the most challenging for me so far. Of course, that's because I'm guilty of what he calls McParenting. Trouble is, I've always thought I've been too concerned about the future in that I tend to worry about the potential precedent-setting of the simplest decision, and the long term repercussions of the most minor of my children's behaviors. With respect to everyday parenting decisions, I've always found it particularly difficult to find the dividing line between building character and promoting accomplishment, to distinguish between what ultimately matters and what to let go.

As I've read and reread Chapter 7 and begun to digest it, things are definitely becoming more clear for me. I've never been particularly good at goal setting and visualizing the future, but God in His grace has provided all the vision I need where my kids are concerned by revealing His standards in His Word.

For example, an issue that's been nagging me for months finally became clear and simple to me this week, thanks to Rosemond's guidance. Several months ago my 12 year old daughter bought a bikini which I approved despite some misgivings. Though it looks great on her it's pretty skimpy. Ever since I offered my permission, albeit with plenty of hemming and hawing, I've been seeking affirmation for the appropriateness of this bathing suit by observing the fashions of other girls her age, comparing the relative amounts of revealed skin among the tween population on the beach, encouraging my friends to commiserate with me in my angst, and by placing arbitrary limitations on where and when my daughter may wear the suit in question. You can guess that this was a stressful and confusing exercise in futility. Why didn't I just go with my instinct in the first place? We've already answered that question in Chapters 1 through 6! Anyway, Chapter 7 has successfully put an end to my cycle of indecision and elusive affirmation. I finally asked myself, what's the longterm issue here? What is the pertinent aspect of Godly adulthood in this case? And the answer came quite simply: God desires women to dress modestly (1 Timothy 2:9, 1 Peter 3:3). The tiny subject of my great turmoil is colorful and pretty and flattering and a great many things, but it is decidedly not modest. Case closed. So yesterday I explained to Genny that I made a mistake when I allowed her to buy that bathing suit and I'm sorry. God wants us to be modest; it's not modest. I offered to buy her a cover up to be worn over the suit at all times, to buy her a replacement suit, or to buy the suit back from her for cash. Maybe we'll have a burning ceremony.

Thus one burden has been lifted from this mom's shoulders and conscience. Just like anything, "farsighted parenting" will take practice, and I'm sure the answers won't always be so clear, but at least I've been given some practical guidance for dispelling the murkiness. And believe it or not I no longer dread the upcoming school year and its accompanying homework...I'm armed and ready!

"Parenting" Book Club - Chapter 5 & 6

Sorry to miss last week's post, but I am managing to at least keep up with the reading, and I hope you are, too. In fact, I'm finding it difficult to hold myself to just one chapter a week - I'd like to gobble it all up and be on my enlightened way, but I chose this leisurely chapter-per-week pace recognizing that some moms are still in their "my kids take up all my time" phase (which Chapter 6 addresses, btw) and thus may be lucky just to find a few moments to read one chapter. I also think it's helpful to read a little bit and chew on it for a little while before moving on, and this schedule allows for that - for me, an exercise in self-restraint and resisting instant gratification.

I'm happy to report I'm kind of winging this post because my husband took my copy of the book. I'd been encouraging (ok, nagging) him to read this book with me, as the author suggests, and though he appeared willing, even eager, 4 chapters had gone by and he had not yet cracked it open. Then last Monday morning (at 6 am!) as he was preparing to leave for Philadelphia for the week, I saw that he had the book with his stuff. My first impulse was to grab it and say, "You can't take this. I need it. You can only read it when I'm not using it." or something equally juvenile. But I stopped myself, and thought, "Don't say a word. Let him have it. I can still read it on the weekends. I can probably think of something meaningful to post on the blog without holding the book in my hand." Though the last part may not prove to be true, by grace I kept my mouth shut! A week later he hasn't exactly caught up, but I read my chapter on the beach on Saturday and sent the book along with him again this week.

So anyway, Chapter 5 addresses the Biblical principle of "Marriage first, Children second," not just chronologically, but priority-wise, too. This was a great segue from the previous chapter which ended with a description of the skewed roles of modern-day fathers and mothers, and this entire chapter once again had me drawn in, nodding my head in agreement, recognizing my own situation, and pleading, "Yes, but what do I do now?" I've already taken a couple baby steps in response. First, as soon as I finished the chapter I suggested (insisted) that Dan and I go out to dinner that very night. Not a huge deal, but I figure that grabbing a little time here and there, whenever we can will be one way we can invest in our marriage and start to give our relationship the attention it deserves. Indeed just that short time together enabled him to share with me about his week at work (which in this case had involved quitting one job and starting up a new company - not your typical work week!). Second, I have vowed never to let my kids sleep in my room again. Period. 'Nuff said.

On to Chapter 6. Wow - another good one that made so much sense. The issue of shaping character by disciplining our children's thoughts brought two things to mind for me. First I was reminded of a book I read last year called The Danger of Raising Nice Kids by Tim Smith . This book did a great job of spelling out the problem, though I found its proposed solution to be somewhat overwhelming. (A glance at Smith's website, Parent's Coach, however, makes me want return for a more in-depth visit.)

Second, I was reminded of the scripture where Jesus berates the Pharisees for their legalism and hypocrisy with respect to ceremonial cleanliness. The Pharisees, looking to be intentionally critical, questioned Jesus as to why his disciples were eating without first washing their hands. Please understand they were not concerned about hygiene in this case, they were concerned about ritual and tradition to which they pridefully adhered. Jesus gave these haughty Jewish leaders what for and told the crowd,

"Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean.' " Mark 7:15 (NIV)

Soon after, when his confused disciples asked him for clarification, Jesus explained,

"For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' " Mark 7:21-23 (NIV) (emphasis added)

With respect to our kids, and as Rosemond stresses in Chapter 6 and Smith puts forth in his above-mentioned book, teaching them right behavior is meaningless if we're not instilling right thinking in their hearts and minds. In fact, it ultimately results in producing shallow people-pleasers or manipulators or both. And as Proverbs 29:25 tells us, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare". I was encouraged by Rosemond's reminder that as parents our own behavior and appropriate, well-timed explanations of it does more to shape our children than our reactionary lectures do. This is something I need to keep in mind - my example, based upon my own relationship with the Lord, is much more powerful than intentional instruction which is rooted in apprehension or motivated by worry. As Dr. James Dobson is fond of saying, most of what children learn is caught, not taught.

I was intrigued by Rosemond's example of dealing with contrariness and his methods for correcting what we've been led by PPP to believe is delightful individuality and desirable free-thinking, but what he argues is undesirable and dangerous self-centeredness. I can think of a couple times when my kids were little that Mr. Rosemond would have advised disciplinary measures where I in fact responded with delight and encouragement. While I realize my children were not damaged beyond repair in these instances, I do wonder how things might have been different had I assumed a more adult role, rather than acting as an accessory and reinforcing their immaturity and "I can think whatever I want" mindset.

I laughingly told my 12 year old daughter that I owe her a spanking for that time when she was about 3 when I asked her what she wanted for lunch. Her exasperating response, which I have delightfully recounted on many an occasion throughout the years, was as follows: "Peanut butter and jelly. When I say I want peanut butter and jelly, I really mean grilled cheese." If only I knew then what I know now...

Proverbs Study - Lesson 4

I woke up on this beautiful, sunny, windless, peaceful and cool morning (obviously I'm either dreaming or in NJ, not FL!) all stressed out because I'm so far behind on my book club and Bible study postings. So I'm sitting on the porch with my coffee and my Macbook, while my cockapoo and basset hound "protect" me from the mallard ducks floating around in the bay, and before I start to write I check in for the first time in a while with Vicki Courtney's blog, Virtue Alert.

I ripped this video right from Vicki's blog because it fits in so well with our study on security:



As Christians we don't have to "hug the beam" because El Shaddai, God Almighty, is our security. If you haven't yet listened to the audio teaching for Lesson 4 (3/1/04), I highly recommend it - the speaker is more upbeat and dynamic than the others I've heard in this series, and she unpacks Psalm 91 so thoroughly, you will never sing "On Eagle's Wings" the same way again.

I pray that God will reveal himself to you this very day.

Blessings and peace,
Eleanor
Romans 12:2

Proverbs Study - Lesson 3

This post finds me happily in NJ, but unhappily under-the-weather, having spent two days in an enclosed vehicle with my infected son. No escaping the sore throat and sneezes under those conditions, I guess.

Anger and patience. Hmmmm. What to say about this lesson. Well, this is an area I struggle with tremendously, daily even. Most people might not guess this about me, because my anger is usually confined to the privacy of my own home. Can anyone relate to that? Why is it that I am the least patient with those I am responsible to love and respect and protect more than anyone else in the world?

I have been in a vicious cycle of confess/repent/fall for years, but I refuse to believe that I will be stuck with this anger problem forever. It didn't take studying the "Portrait of Anger" (pg. 29-31) or the "Benefits of Overcoming Anger" (pg. 33) to make me long for deliverance from this cycle of sin, to no longer be a fool who gives full vent to her anger, but rather a wise woman who keeps herself under control (Proverbs 29:11) It's not that I haven't made any progress over the years - God has given me little victories along the way, but I still have so far to go. I admit I was hoping for miraculous and instantaneous healing through the pages of this chapter (or at least some sure-fire "how-to"s) but so far no sign of that. And while the author points out that

"God expects us to become patient, gentle women in control of our emotions. He has given us all we need for the task - His Spirit and His Word." (pg. 29)

the message I got from "The Process of Overcoming Anger" section (pg. 32-33) was more like "Just Do It," even though we're told, and rightly so, "We cannot overcome anger by an act of our will." (pg. 32).

I believe what's missing here is an exhortation to prayer and perseverance. It's not a matter of trying harder or following a list of instructions or simply wishing - it's a matter of crying out to my Heavenly Father and admitting I am powerless on my own. If I'm truly convicted and really serious about my desire to change, I must commit myself daily and open myself to the Holy Spirit day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. I must pray for God to transform my heart and change my bad habits. Perhaps what I need to do is really focus on this area in my quiet time (well, first I need to focus on investing in some quiet time, huh?) rather than just adding this petition to my laundry list of prayer requests.

If anybody else struggles in this way, I can recommend some worthwhile reading. While the Word and the Spirit are all we ultimately need, that doesn't mean that God can't work through biblically sound resources to teach and enlighten us. One book I came across in Books-A-Million (love their Christian section!) some months ago which deals with anger in marriage is From Anger to Intimacy: How Forgiveness can Transform Your Marriage by Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham - offers great insight into the source of anger and practical advice and counsel that doesn't overwhelm. Then just the other day I was listening to a Focus on the Family podcast and heard an interview with Julie Ann Barnhill speaking about her book She's Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger - I haven't read this book, but I am familiar with the author whom I find to be a reliable, Christ-centered parenting expert with a wonderful sense of humor. A couple books I have read pertinent to this topic, which I try to keep in circulation among my mom friends are When You Feel Like Screaming: Help for Frustrated Mothers, and Scream-Free Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool - I've gotten positive feedback on both these books from those I've lent them to - life-changing is how I describe the latter.

I didn't get a chance to listen to the audio teaching yet (2/24/04 "The Path of Patience") - maybe I'll do that while I'm driving to the Phillies game tomorrow and add my comments if I gain some further insight or encouragement.

Hope your summer is all it should be. I applaud you for your commitment to this study, and I encourage you to stick with it and check in here when you complete each lesson. Next up, Lesson 4 - A Study on Security - sounds comforting already.

Blessings to you,
Eleanor
Romans 12:2